Headless chickens in Kiev

And so my beloved Newcastle United capitulate again, this time in the Champions' League for which we had to play so well to even get into last season. We might have had a tough run of late, but no-one's ever won anything with a defence as porous as ours is currently. Perhaps more worrying still, for a team with an abundance of attacking flair, pace and talent, we haven't even hit the back of the net in the last three games. Things must improve - starting with giving the Mackems a damn good hiding on Saturday.

"Ah, I see they've got the internet on computers now" - Homer Simpson