Replicable riposte

In the wake of the open letters written by Steve Coogan and Robert Webb to David Mitchell and Russell Brand respectively, my friend Matt has come up with a labour-saving template for comedians to use in similar circumstances in future. It's rather good, so I've reproduced it below in full.

"Dear (fellow comic)

I loved your work on (name of TV show) and think you're very funny and talented - definitely above average, maybe even a 7.

I read your open letter in (name of publication) and felt compelled to respond in the most proactive way a celebrity can in this day and age: by writing you an open letter. I realise that this is essentially like hiring a skywriter to ask my wife where my keys are, but writing a one-way, carefully edited dialogue makes me look erudite and articulate and there is no Paxman to distract me from my point. However, until politicians and academics are as good at telling knob jokes as us, political discourse is the burden that all comedians must bear.

I heartily disagree with your open letter in various ways which I am going to expound in a large chunk of flowery prose. I'm going to throw in some passive-aggressive barbs too, because deep down I really think you're a cunt for disagreeing with me. I'll probably suggest that you don't actually understand the issue and will patronisingly attempt to school you on it. My tone will be avuncular, just short of offering you a Werther's Original and a place on my knee.

I understand your (point made in last open letter); hell, I used to feel like that when I was a young comic, starting out in the small clubs of (name of town). However, with all due respect (remember, I'm a fan) your argument is akin to the demented ramblings of a man in the final stages of Alzheimer's.

In summary: you seem like a decent guy: fuck you.

Cordially,
(name of comedian)"