Fortune favours the fucking useless

Oh the joys of being a Newcastle fan. Watching last night's 3-1 victory over Valerenga in the UEFA Cup was about as enjoyable as systematically and methodically having each of your knuckles smashed with a hammer.

We were absolutely woeful in the first half - there's no other way to describe it. The decision to award us a free-kick for Valerenga keeper Bolthof handling outside the area was one of the worst I've ever seen, but Shearer showed no mercy with his strike which went through Bolthof's hands - but from then on we were under constant pressure, inviting a supposedly inferior side to attack us at every opportunity, even going so far as to present them with the ball and the necessary space to manoeuvre. Woodgate looked rusty and failed to calm and marshall the defence as he usually does, and I lost count of the number of headers that Bramble misjudged. Though Given brilliantly tipped a Gashi shot onto the bar, it was only a matter of time before they scored, central defender Hagen volleying in completely unmarked from a corner.

Mercifully the second half performance showed signs of improvement, though half-time substitute Ameobi had Bolthof to thank for another blunder that allowed his shot to creep in and restore an undeserved lead. It wasn't until the final minute that Jenas beat the offside trap to produce his one telling contribution of another aimless display and set up Ameobi for the clincher as Valerenga ran out of steam.

This lunchtime's draw has paired us with Spanish outfit Real Mallorca. It could certainly have been worse for us, with Mallorca currently lying fourth from bottom in La Liga - but they have a couple of very dangerous strikers in Samuel Eto'o and Andrea Delibasic, the latter having already helped inflict a painful and costly defeat on us this season with Partizan Belgrade. If we play as badly again in the home leg which takes place a week today, we'll get taken apart.