Sir Bobby and the Smogmonster

Once upon a time there was an evil many-headed creature called the Smogmonster which lived on the river Tees. One November night it came marauding north across the land with the wicked intent of pillaging and ransacking Fortress St James near the river Tyne. But when the Smogmonster reached the fortress, it found brave Sir Bobby lying in wait, determined to defend the fortress at all costs. A fierce battle raged for two-and-ninety minutes between the Smogmonster and Sir Bobby's forces, a tenacious and valiant group of young charges led by his warhorse Shearer. Eventually, with the help of a wooden frame and a bumbling simpleton in black, the Smogmonster was defeated, the fatal blow being struck by a young defender by the name of Stephen of Caldwell. Sir Bobby declared himself "tickled pink", and the Smogmonster, licking its putrid wounds, slithered back to its chemically-enriched cesspool, and everyone lived happily ever after.