Know Your Enemy

"It's like a cartoon version of a farmhouse as imagined by someone who hasn't been in one."

"[The globe artichoke] has been prepared by someone who either hates globe artichokes or has never met one before: boiled until it is as soft and rank as Grandma's cabbage, only with none of the glamour. It is just so much mushy leaf matter, and smells of a long Sunday afternoon in someone's overheated suburban front room. The damn thing could be disposed of without the aid of teeth or, better still, using a composter."

"'Paola's Market Veggies' arrive in a bowl, with a grainy, deathly 'carrot hummus' thickly smeared up the side, like someone had an intimate accident and decided to close the loo door and run away. At the bottom is a 'cashew aioli', which is the kind of discharge you get when you torture nuts."

"[The tostadas with jackfruit are] a fibrous tangle that gets stuck in your teeth on top of a violent, acidic sludge of guacamole. The jackfruit is described as being barbecued. This means it has been smeared with a blunt barbecue sauce of the kind they serve at pubs with a flat roof."

"After this vegan calamity, this extraordinary display of dismal cooking, I find myself eyeing the Yorkshire terrier, greedily. Just hand him over, give me access to the grill, and five minutes."

"[The turkey schnitzel] is overcooked and has the texture of something Timpson's might one day think about using to re-sole my brogues."

Jay Rayner sinks his teeth into the Farm Girl Cafe in Chelsea with rather more relish than he did with their food. There are few pleasures greater than enjoying him in full flow. This is the sort of review that makes it extremely hard to believe the cliche that there's no such thing as bad publicity.