Hard times: new Roman?

This Thursday will see the country go to the polls in the local and European Parliament elections. Well, OK, some of the country - probably more than would have gone before the expenses scandal, in any case...

The flyers and newsletters for the various parties have been dropping through our letterbox steadily over the last fortnight. Perhaps we could have saved the campaigners and ourselves the effort and asked them just to put their offerings straight into the green recycling box out the front.

However, one flyer to come through the door did catch my eye. It's for the Roman Party, whose candidate (and, as far as I can tell, only member) is a chap called Jean-Louis Pascual. Let's take a look at some of what he says...

"All the candidates have driving licences but I think I am the only one who can take you entire family to Brussels and Strasbourg."

As opening gambits go, it's certainly an interesting one. To be honest, I'm not sure being a taxi driver with a capacious car qualifies you for a political career.

"I studied EU and English law, business studies and German at Thames Valley University. Also I am multilingual."

But what did you get in your GCSEs? A few A*s and that could swing it.

"I want you to vote for me for many reasons. I am not corrupt, I am reliable, proactive, hard worker and confident. I thrive on challenges; have a positive attitude and thoroughly enjoy dealing with people."

Come on now - this has just been lifted straight from your CV, hasn't it?

"I am seeking for a challenge where I can make full of my knowledge and experience working for public transport and also use my languages skills French, Italian, Portuguese and Spanish."

Ever thought about being a tour bus driver?

"My work experience includes companies like: Heathrow Airport, John Lewis, Panasonic, Ferrari Shop Formula One, Battle Hospital, Post Office etc I did diverse jobs like decorating, cleaner, waiter, selling, marketing and other."

An impressive list, to be sure. But what's with this "other"? A bit coy all of a sudden...

"I have never received any money from the state to be a candidate in the last four National Elections. Again this year I will use my own money to be part of it ... This year I took a loan to participate in the EU Election."

An experienced campaigner, eh? In the current climate, it's a good move declaring you're whiter-than-white - unless you've got duck houses and gold monogrammed well covers paid for by the public purse in your closet, that is.

"I gained thirty three (33) votes last time and I will be very happy if I can improve on that number."

I bet you will - and I'm sure this flyer will be winning over a lot of floating voters. I really like the use of both numbers and words here - it's rather like the football videprinter when a team scores seven or more and the number's written out in full just to make clear it's not an error (while at the same time riffing more heavily on the beaten side's pain).

"This job is to challenge other States in the European Government to support projects and sign approval with a necessary amount of money. Some of my ideas are building a bridge, repair roads and generate jobs improving standards of Reading."

I'd quite like to know where this bridge might be to before casting my vote. The south of France, perhaps? That would certainly make Reading a more attractive place to live.

"To be effective successful in this job you need the power of communication, languages, appropriate skills and charisma other wise you will be lost in translation."

Er, you said it mate.

Oh, I know - this is all rather mean-spirited. He's clearly a passionate and well-meaning chap, if also somewhat misguided, and you have to admire his dogged determination.

Incidentally, good to see Searchlight and the Observer smashing a gaping hole in the BNP's claims to be a moderate, mainstream party by underlining the fact that they're actually a bunch of nasty, violent, racist thugs.