Go east!



When I told people I was going to Ipswich for the weekend, their response was pretty much unanimous: “Why?” And not an inquisitive “Why?”, either – more an incredulous “Why?”.

The real reason was that we were visiting a friend who moved to take a job there, but, with the benefit of hindsight, here are some more reasons to go to a place where the Samaritans building is helpfully signposted:

* Marvel at the house prices. £90,000 for a two bedroom flat down at the University Quay?! One snag, though: the views are of Ipswich.

* Go to the Dove Street Inn, which – with Thatcher’s Cheddar Valley cider (aka the “orange stuff” served up in the Anchor) on tap alongside a whole host of real ales and whiskies – immediately felt like home. It even has copies of a Craic-esque free publication called Ipswich 24, the latest issue of which includes an interview with Derek Acorah and a feature on Young Slimmer Of The Year, who should also win the award for Glummest Expression In An Accompanying Photo. Perhaps that’s because of her Slimming World consultant Liz’s breathlessly enthusiastic words: “Before Sophie started with Slimming World she was a very shy child who hid herself in tracksuits. Now she has transformed herself into a young lady who takes much pride in her appearance and she has now also found boys!”

* Get your head blown off on the cheap at the Keralan curry house. Make the right choice from the menu and they’ll give you both barrels.

* Stagger to McGinty’s and witness jug-eared sometime Arsenal, Everton and England goalkeepers drinking away their sorrows at a Town loss to Wolves in the company of assorted blonde WAGs. Do sit outside to reap the benefits of the nuclear-strength heaters; don’t bother with the jukebox, or at least not if someone else has beaten you to it and chucked in a week’s wages to ensure it cycles through every song Oasis have ever recorded.

* Take a trip to the seaside. When we told people in Ipswich we were going to Felixstowe, their response was pretty much unanimous: “Why?” Perhaps this was only because we’d missed The Spice-ish Girls at the Felixstowe Carnival Weekend, which took place a fortnight earlier, but if you can steer clear of dodgy service-without-a-smile chippies and sickeningly sweet ice cream, then you’ll have fun all the same. Why wouldn’t you want to sit with a cataclysmic hangover on steep slopes of shingle looking at a wrathful sea, take on an Aztec-themed crazy golf course (and lose) and leave an amusement arcade after an hour of serious endeavour in triumphant possession of a pink and green inflatable hammer? Two things which occurred to me. Firstly, what percentage of the 2p coins minted do you reckon end up in coin-pushing machines? And secondly, is it just me or do the machines have a finely honed sense of humour, by giving you a win with your very last 2p when you’re desperately trying to lose and finish up?

* Visit Suffolk Owl Sanctuary, “as seen on TV” (which presumably means ‘I’m Alan Partridge’). We didn’t actually make it there ourselves, but I’m reliably informed (by Ipswich 24) that (a) it’s “a hoot” and (b) one of the themes for the children’s activity days running this summer is owls. How do they come up with them?!

Ipswich’s East Anglian rival Norwich (one of our favourite cities in England) has the truthful if unimaginative slogan “A fine city”. Perhaps, then, Ipswich’s own slogan, modelled on this, should be the equally truthful “Not as bad as you might think, honest”?