Craic addict

Earlier this year I wrote about An Craic, a magazine for Birmingham's Irish community which was stuffed full of hilarious news stories that might have been dreamt up by 'Father Ted' creators Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews.

Well, on Wednesday I picked up the May issue, and it's very nearly as amusing in its content...

"HOWLS OF LAUGHTER IN DOGFIGHT CASE

A judge's unintended pun in a hearing over an illegal dogfight provoked laughter in the courtroom last month.

The trial of 11 men charged in connection with running an illegal dogfight will begin at Naas Circuit Court on July 5 as a priority, said Judge Patrick McCartan, because 'if left lingering on the list, it will never get out of the traps.'

He immediately said he had not intended the use of such words as laughter spread around the court."

The headline, byline and first paragraph of another story:

"STAMPEDE SCATTERED MOURNERS IN FIASCO

GRIEVING FAMILY'S CASE SETTLED AFTER HORSE-DRAWN FUNERAL CHAOS

Stunned family mourners, who could only look on in horror as the remains of their beloved careered around a graveyard behind stampeding funeral horses, have settled a e38,000 damages claim against the undertaker."

But best of all is the following item, here in full:

"MAN MILKED DRY IN COMPUTER SALE SCAM

There is no use crying over spilled milk... but one man can be forgiven for shedding a few tears when he reflects on how he paid e700 for a new computer and ended up with four litres of bainne instead.

The middle-aged man was approached on The Parade in Kilkenny and asked if he was interested in buying a new lap-top.

He was told it was a once-in-a-lifetime offer and e700 would secure the state-of-the-art machine plus accessories. After a few minutes of negotiating, the man reached for his pocket and parted with the money in e50 notes. He received no invoice, sales slip or guarantee - just a case said to contain the computer.

In a scene which could have come straight out of sit-com 'Only Fools And Horses', the vendor then beat a hasty retreat.

When the man opened the case he found four litres of milk wrapped in cardboard. The milk gave the specially designed hold-all weight and the cardboard gave it the feel of a lap-top.

Sgt Pat Murphy of Kilkenny Garda Station said people should only buy good from legitimate vendors or from sources they could identify."