Monkey business

Last night I think I had the pleasure / misfortune of watching 'Ed', quite possibly the worst film ever made(although I confess to having not seen '2 Fast 2 Furious' or 'Biker Boyz' yet). As I sat on the sofa open-mouthed at the movie's unprecedented levels of awfulness, several questions troubled me.

Firstly, who in their right mind could possibly come up with the following equation: chimpanzee (or, more precisely, bloke in chimpanzee suit) + 'Friends' star (Matt LeBlanc) + baseball + vague love interest + bad guy whose toupee keeps coming off with hilarious consequences + soundtrack by the likes of Meat Loaf and Dire Straits = artistic triumph and box office paydirt?

Secondly, who at ITV thought that 11.20pm on a Wednesday night was the ideal time for the premiere of a "family comedy"?

And thirdly, which braindead hack at The Sun found it in their heart to award the film a three-star 'Good' rating in the paper's weekly TV guide?

The basic plotline involves a chimpanzee (the Ed of the title) becoming a minor league baseball team's mascot and rooming with one of the team, played by LeBlanc. It then transpires that the chimp is in fact an excellent fielder and he helps the team to success. I was willing the film to follow a 'Boogie Nights' style trajectory, and depict Ed's new-found fame going to his head, his unique talent wasted and his personal and professional life spiralling down into the depths of crack-and-whores depravity, leaving him destitute and working as a rent chimp blowing old men for cash - but, sadly, there was a happy ending. I did, however, like the intimations of bestiality in the "special relationship" between Ed and the young daughter of Matt LeBlanc's lady friend - underneath all that monkeying around (arf arf), there was evidently a simmering sexual tension. I swear it.

Essentially, though, the film was just an excuse for lines like the following: "I'm going to spank the monkey", "Why not hang out with your room-mate?", "He's not an animal, he's a ball player", "He's a VIP - very important primate". I'm sure the line "You've made a monkey out of me" was in there somewhere, but I must have missed it.