That joke isn't funny anymore

Time for a spot of role-playing.

Imagine you're jug-eared Everton and England wunderkind Wayne Rooney. Now I just know your thoughts are immediately turning to sex with rubber-clad grandmothers, but try to block such visions from your mind - we're talking about football here.

You have the world at your feet, and could play for any side in Europe. You would grace the Champions' League. Your admirers in England alone include Man Utd and Chelsea. Along come Newcastle Utd - a club in utter disarray off the pitch and a team unable to scythe down naive young Premiership saplings Norwich on it - with a bid for your services. Do you say: (a) "Fuck off", (b) "Fuck right off" or (c) "Is this some kind of sick joke? Fuck right off"?

Now imagine you're Sir Bobby Robson. You're probably thinking, "What day is it?", "Who am I?" or "Why am I putting myself through this when I could be tending an allotment, drinking cups of tea and holidaying in Bournemouth?" - if so, then good, you've got yourself into the right mindset.

So, you've just had Jonathan Woodgate, one of the most accomplished central defenders in England if not the whole of Europe, sold from under your nose and against your wishes, and your defence looks about as convincing as Mark Thatcher's. You then learn that instead of prioritising the search for a commanding new centre half, and despite the presence of four strikers with sizeable egos already at the club, your chairman is instead trying to sign another forward for an enormous sum of money. Do you say: (a) "What's going on?", (b) "What the fuck is going on?" or (c) "Is this some kind of sick joke? What the fuck is going on?"?

Now imagine you're a Newcastle fan - not hard for me, but then I spend much of my time fantasising about not being one.

You've just witnessed another tragicomic debacle as your side allowed Norwich to grab a well-deserved draw from two goals down, even Mr Reliable Shay Given making a costly mistake and only goalscorers Bellamy and Hughes plus perhaps Milner emerging with any credit whatsoever. Do you: (a) laugh, (b) cry, (c) laugh then cry or (d) shrug your shoulders in resigned acknowledgement of the fact that your beloved club is a complete laughing stock and that they'll be lucky to finish above mid-table?

Villa away on Saturday. Can't wait.